Lately I find myself disappointed in my own persistence of God. Times have been tough, no doubt – but shouldn’t the trying times be when I seek God the most? Shouldn’t I be looking to God’s word for comfort?
Shouldn’t I be asking him What now? Why? Where do I go from here?
I know the answer. Yes, yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
But everybody knows life’s struggles are what makes keeping faith so gosh darn difficult. I think lately I have been hesitant in my faith not because I have grown doubtful, but because I am afraid to confront God with the truth. I mean, praise you to the high heavens and all that…but I’m not your number one fan right now. I feel as though God may be disappointed with me if I let him in. I am frightened to show him how weak I am, how angry I am, how lost I am.
Somewhere in my heart, however, I am encouraged by all of the times he has found me in troubled waters and drew me to the shore. I am drawn by the fact that he would not lead me astray, and at the same time befuddled by his reasoning and certainly seeking his guidance.
Faith is time consuming. It challenges my heart in ways I desperately need, but it is not always easy to come by. I would like to declare to all my readers (ha…) that I am opening my relationship with God. It was not ever closed, but I need to open it with the intent to live in it, to pursue it and to relish in it’s light…even if that feels like salt in an open would sometimes.